Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has been usurped as head quacker by Malcolm Turnbull, after incriminating interweb evidence surfaced exposing him as an anti-conservative mole.
During a press briefing outside parliament house, the former Prime Minister looked relaxed and jovial, evidently feeling the relief of breaking character after such a long stint.
When questioned, he explained that the charade had started as a simple prank while he was studying at USYD: “The boys and I were sloshed at Manning, and I started carrying on like a pork chop, saying that if I were a conservative leader I’d have all inbound boat arrivals scuttled before they crossed into the Exclusive Economic Zone.”
After a passing member of the Socialist Alliance overheard and called him a “fascist prick”, Tony came to the realisation that the best way to combat conservative politicians in Australia was to pretend to be one, and then unleash a torrent of unsalvageable faux pas and policy. It would be guaranteed to undermine the confidence in and authority of any conservative party.
“Going into ‘deep cover’ was a difficult decision”, the Rhodes Scholar said, “but I knew it was the best thing to do for Australia.” Chuckling, he added, “I mean, it was fairly easy to trick people into thinking I was completely batshit”.
Mr Abbott said that the high point of his career was the famous speech delivered by then-Prime Minister Julia Gillard, in which she called him out on allegations of sexism and misogyny; “It was at that point I really felt I had struck a nerve with the people of Australia. It, uh, gave credibility to venture. It meant that I was really getting somewhere.”
Since then, however, Mr Abbott has experienced a number of setbacks, most notably the election of the Coalition into government. On the election, he commented, “I really didn’t anticipate this; it was quite shocking that not only had Australia taken my ideas seriously, but had actually liked them and voted for them”.
Abbott says he counteracted this by buying 58 new jet fighters valued at nearly $12-and-a-half billion. The Joint Strike Fighter (JSF) program has been plagued with bugs from vulnerable fuel tanks posing in-flight fire risks to not necessarily being able to withstand a lightning strike. “Surely they won’t take me seriously after this”.
A reputable blog source claims that Abbott is planning on using his extended political career as a springboard into open-mic comedy.
More to come.